Monday, May. 05, 2003 - 8:17 p.m.
It's been a minute... But really not a whole lot has changed.
PD has been over since the last time I wrote and we had sex in front of the fireplace, with the fire going and watched a basketball game together. Pooh bear wasn't home... and we ended up spending some more time together a few days later... I got drunk... and threw up and he rubbed my back and showed so much concern... He also said something like, "The LOVE I have for you..." I can't remember the rest... I said I was drunk didn't I??? But he said LOVE, and he mentioned the "M" word, not so much in reference to me, but explaining why we're not as close as I would like to be and why we weren't really growing last year... His baby son's Mom was still in the picture. He said she was still holding on to him, and that was the only way to spend time with the baby. She's pregnant with someone else's baby now, and I know that creates an issue of trust when it comes to me... So, whatever is still whatever!!!
I still don't get the attention I would like to have from him... I am somewhat in love I think... I can't really tell. I have mixed emotions from day to day.
I have been on a message board a lot... Not doing much work at work, hardly any at all. Thanks for everyone's concern though. I really appreciate the notes.
I finally got a phone at home, so I'm actually at home online now. I am going to do better... Writing helps me so much.
Yes, all the other men are still trying to get at me... But, I can't give up on PD just yet, especially becuz we had movement. It's all so confusing to me. PD also said that night that it was just "Me, you and the kids. And when I'm not with the kids, I'm with you, and when I'm not with you, I'm making money..." and for some strange reasonn I believed him. He doesn't say much, I have to take him at his word to a certain extent.
I had stopped going to church too, and hadn't been paying my tithes... and my debt is still the same... Nothing has yet to improve. I just refuse to believe that my present reality is how it's going to be.
I did get roses on Friday... From the landlord of all people... I think he has a crush on me too... Beautiful long stem white with pink trim roses, and a full dozen... IMPRESSIVE. A few days later he was out, hired a company to take of the lawn for me, and asked for a glass of water... And then asked if I needed to hide anyone from him... He's cute, but he's a cop and I think he has a girlfriend... Did I write about when the water was flowing from the back... He brought a woman with him at 2am to fix the problem... OHHHHH!!!!
Yea, life is not very interesting right now. The child support finally started, and I used most of the money to catch up on bills and still behind... What a mess I've made. Never use credit cards for everyday purchases again!!!! When I get out of debt I will celebrate.
Love and well wishes to all...
